God appeared as madness...

The compassionate God appeared one day as insanity, uncertainty and pain
and then as anxiety, OCD, faithlessness and hopelessness....
And I acknowledged him in all those forms...
It is said, if god visits and you do not acknowledge, he will leave
I didn't want him to leave...
So he stayed and in time, brought beautiful days to my doorstep...

Divine Suffering

Suffering is also  forbearance.

That vision that teachers have planted in our mind of a pure soul on a long journey of pain in search of truth or..
an earnest seeker  alone on a desert...
a loving mother...who will do her bit every day selflessly despite bearing tremendous pain and uncertainty in her live
Like a majestic tree ...
Like a mountain...

Oh faith, find a way to my heart,
Oh patience be my eternal companion
Oh gentleness make me you.

Ram and Sugreev

Over time the resolution to some doubts, the answers to some questions come to us quite unpredictably ...we must of-course be willing to look with an open mind ...and faith...

Ram and Sita
I've heard passionate arguments from seemingly intelligent people who maintained that King Ram was not an example of a loving husband because he deserted his wife despite her devotedness to him.

However when you read the Ramayan you understand that Ram continued to have his fondest love for Sita. He was devastated as Sita disappeared from his sight.

The reason for his decision becomes clear when we recognize that that husband was not the only role he played. He was also King. And in that role, he had to deliver justice. And justice means you apply the same rules to similar acts irrespective of who did it - a King or  peasant.

In other words he had to apply the same rule to himself as was applied for other similar situations. And the village folk had started pointing this out. How could he be just if he had a different rule for himself.
The story of Rams grief is seldom talked about. He was aware that his choice based on commitment to justice would render tremendous pain to himself and Sita. But he felt that was the "right" thing to do because in the role of a King he had to set an example

Bali and Sugreeva
It is being talked about that Ram having cooperated with Sugreeva for killing Bali was not justified. Because apparently Sugreeva and Bali were in a fight and Ram hides behind a tree to kills Bali as previously planned with Sugreeva.

People forget that in the conversation between Ram and Bali, Ram had advised Bali not to torment his brother. He also mentioned it was not dharma (right conduct)  to forcefully take another's wife (Bali had taken Sugreevas wife).
Balis response was interesting. He said dharma and adharma (right and wrong conduct) were applicable only to the world of humans. They didn't apply in the case of animals. And he being a monkey it didn't apply to him. He also said is someone has more might, let them fight with him and win and take his wife back.
Rams response is even more interesting. He said if one has evolved to the state where one is able to understand and talk about Dharma and Adharma, he is obviously bound by it.
But Bali would have none of it.

Commitment to a single cause

What prevents us from seeing clearly?
It must be our lack of a unilateral focus.
For example, we know that love and attachment of a mother for her child is a natural and beautiful thing. Yet this love and attachment may prevent her from being fair if she were in a situation of giving judgement in a case involving her son. This attachment prevents her from seeing clearly. If the truth/justice must prevail, it is easier if the mum were committed only to truth/justice. But this is difficult.
Her attachment may even enter into her argument as a bias that she's not aware of. She may actually think  she is doing the right thing while she is actually being influenced by her attachment. Such is the power. So in the case of our seeking, shouldn't we first identify and acknowledge our attachments. The things that can influence our thinking?



 

Work, walk, write

We have to work,
We have to walk
We have to write
We can remember that doing these well is itself meditation.
And of course a secular sit at Shiva temple.

And there is the need to for a certain quality of courage and patience to take birth in our hearts

This courage helps us:

• In maintaining our peace in the phase of unresolvable mental confusions; don't we now of the great paradoxes; and the intelligent beings who came up with those were able to accept their non resolvability
• I have seen that at age 50 or above,  Paul after a 4- 5 hour long drive can participate in day long meetings being the most enthusiastic person around. This energy is coming from a certain strength; our hearts have to develop that strength

Surely even in the middle of the darkest nights, I've seen glimpses of gentle and soothing breezes - such as blissful moments of sleep; a simple logical idea that dissolves all confusion; a cup of coffee had in quietness that was suddenly transcended with peace and joy.

Two of the greatest disturbing thoughts are: Fear of loneliness  and fear of permanence
Perhaps we have to get used in a deep level to the disturbance that occurs on contemplating these.


 

Om Namo Narayanaya

So what if faith in god has disappeared? In seeking faith or fearing its absence we are already under the spell of vested self interest - why else do we "seek" faith? Of course it is sought to serve as a  lifeboat, to help us wade through tough, stormy and uncertain waters.

But who can deny the divine and innocent friendship of Gopal who would turn up suddenly along the boring and tiresome path through the woods, to school. He would come, just to give me company. As his beautifully lazy cows accompanied us, chewing all the time. After Gopal appeared and after he left there wasn't an uncomfortable  craving ever, just a positive assurance that all was well with the world and being alive was beautiful. Friendship made it so.

But Gopal was a gift, and so too is suffering. The universe wants me to have it.

And have we not seen that our judgement, thoughts, feelings and sensations around suffering too constantly evolves. Nothing is constant.

Of course what we are striving for is clarity. Like I read, freedom is being able to see our confusion with all clarity. It is natural to not understand our confusion and yet be perturbed by it. And perhaps it is to the credit of our foolishness and impatience that we fail to take assurance and experience freedom from the idea that millions of brilliant minds have already walked this planet and are walking it now, whose intelligence were as sharp as a shining sword and their courage that of a selfless lion; and we think we have stumbled upon an unsurmountable mental confusion;

We can also remember with gratitude and amazement that the part of our mind that helps us transact in the world has helped us in our affairs. So thank you oh unknown power.


 

Games the good mind plays...

The mind may say  it is unclear of everything...then how can it be certain there is a reason for anxiety.

It is the heart that judges that needs to be seen...a thousand thoughts may appear and disappear in our mind...we may be passionate of and may even peruse some with interest..some may be aligned with and some unaligned  with our values...we think some because  we believe we should not (OCD)...

We must remember the fact that all thoughts are made of the same matter and in that sense not different...it is our judgement of the thoughts that causes us pain...

in fact our interest in our mental process seems to increase when/if we think there is a cause for concern...but the judgement that there is a cause for concern is not based on any facts or reason...its just like the classic example of judging the rope to be snake. This judgement and the following negative emotions stops us from being able to clearly look at the problem...

...and god blesses me with good sleep occasionally ...perhaps the nutmeg milk just before going to bed is helping me...is this space of sleep from which I arise as if from bliss not a touch with god.

Mental Process Analysis of Anxiety

Thoughts (what if thoughts) followed by judgement (as not okay) followed by sensation/feeling;
This is the route the disturbance takes to form;
The supposed reasons have changed but the sequence is the same;
Perhaps the mind will take several iterations of this sequence with different reasons before finally being convinced that there is simply no truth in the imagination that "something is wrong"

Ramanas Gift

Yesterday I stumbled upon this quote by Ramana- "The true answer to the question 'who am I' does not come in thoughts. All thoughts disappear, even the thinker himself disappears".

Exactly what I wanted to hear. And of late I have been thinking of how in time, either as words such as this that I stumble over or as events, life has helped me. Of course I've had to do my difficult part. But life/god has been a kind friend - always turning up to do his part"

For example during the extreme difficult early days of pain and uncertainty I was concerned even about my survival for Sangeeths marriage. But following my hearts direction, I endured and that went on beautifully. Following that was Arjuns illness - it was a hope against hope kind of situation; we waited and endured and thankfully what a happy-handsome gift was given - Arjun was cured of his difficult disease. And so much more...

We have to do our part and move on. We witness that god/life does his part.

Priority Virtues

We have to practice patience, alertness and suspension of judgement...Our mind distorts our interpretation of events in the phase of exaggerated self concern.
Even when facing an unclear, restless mind and significant uncertainty we  can rest in the assurance that we are at least clear that that we are facing significant doubt and uncertainty. We can further acknowledge this. When that's done we can focus on "just being"...and to truly 'Be" also means, to be patient.
It must be our lack of patience coupled with our exaggerated self concern that causes us frustration.  The habit of judging external people, ideas and events may cause us to "Judge" our internal events (thoughts, sensations and feelings) such as "this may never leave me" etc without even understanding it. But if we are to pause and investigate our experience we remember that even in the phase of high doubt, uncertainty and pain there were times of promise, that we could laugh, enjoy a TV program etc. And even in the phase of the deep fears there clear hope was found - rare though their memories are.

Patience and Intelligence

Mathieu had shared a profound insight  which interpret to mean that there is no long journey, big task or difficulty which cannot be divided into tiny bits so we can tackle one bit at a time. In a similar way, when it sees  a confusion, our mind has a tendency to jump to conclusions of dread and horror. The picture it paints of gloom and doom is not based on rational judgement. It judges that something is wrong and panics at the slightest doubt, leaving a cloud of ambiguity which it seems to guard with a wall of fear. So why not trust and depend on the power of patience (have I not recently read somewhere that patience is god) and intelligence to first understand the confusion.

 

The eye of intelligence...

Yesterday was a bit difficult; but I was blessed with blissful sleep; thank you god.

Coming back to seeing the mind through the eyes of intelligence...I'm reminded of Ashish Mr.Joses' teenage son, who one day was standing cautiously as though ready to flee at the slightest hint of danger. This happened once when I was called to fix some issue related to cooking gas at their home.
His error was easy to recognize ...he had some knowledge of the potential danger when dealing with LPG (he probably heard some stories that are in his memory); however that there are risks doesn't mean one has to be on stressfully  high alert/tension levels whenever one is around a cylinder. But apparently this was what was happening in his case. And I see the same thing happening in with me but with ideas rather than a cylinder.

The discomfort of panic  has the following sources:

• Heightened Self Concern: This is probably the starting point. It results in a propensity to be on hyper alert - constantly going back ad fourth and checking the idea/thought/sensation etc.. probably because of wanting to be really sure that nothing is indeed wrong. It triggers thoughts such as:  "Am I sure there is nothing indeed wrong? Something was wrong, let me check again...etc
• Judgement- The moment  something/anything is spotted, the mind goes, "see I told you so, something is dreadfully wrong". Judgement forces us to take decisions at the drop of a hat without clear consideration or understanding.
• Impatience: If we are truly interested in gaining the right understanding of something, we cannot by-pass the skill of patience and unbiased observation. Impatience causes frustration - like a child throwing a tantrum.
• Bias: The mind tends to  make a mountain out of its fears and negative thoughts while often forgetting that even during days of confusion/fear/uncertainty there  were many occasions when the mind was able to see the very same confusions without being perturbed and with a happy positive heart.

My heart sees clearly that the story woven by a panicking mind  seems more visible merely on account of its density and darkness rather than on account of the quality of facts or rationality.

Gentleness - why not?

Why not be a little more gentle with myself. Particularly with the mind.
When we now we are in the healing phase, why watch or partake in violent conversations? - Arnab, the Noise hour, investigating into the cause of Robin Williams death, Watching stutters Island...quite clearly it is wise to eep such things - much of which do not add any value any way, for another day.

Judgement

Judgement is the eagerness to make an assessment of value of a certain thing, person, action etc. We ignore the fact that what is important is that the assessment be right than quick.  And in order to make a right assessment we need to consider a range of aspects. But we don't. We just go and judge. This is tendency to judge becomes default and compulsive. Its as if the first thing we must do when we witness an incident, happening, event, person etc. This is highly foolish.

Marriage and Death

A young man I know was afflicted with a near fatal illness. The world turned upside down for his dear and near ones. Every one is praying. Its been about a year. I'm grateful to note he is recovering. This too is a miracle. Going by our culture one of the default points of intense worry for parents as they contemplated his future was "how will he get married". And this is no tiny worry for them. It seems - thinking from the parents point of view - a perfectly reasonable cause of worry. And how much pain it causes. And yet at the same time I, standing here, can only laugh at this worry. I see it as an almost foolish thing to worry about. I'm sure there are several people who understand.

As I deal with the myriad thoughts that cause fear, learning from the wise I think about how just because the mind may believe there is a cause of concern, this doesn't have to be true. In fact in most cases the wise would laugh at the cause that we are justified as reasons of concern.